Friday 2014-03-07
Dialysis overdose, assuming what they are doing to me are
out of good intentions, the result is I’m being killed in slow motion. The
prolonged treatment time drains all my energy. I feel exhausted after dialysis,
getting home being the worst moment of all. I couldn’t keep my eyes open,
feeling funny, every bit of moment making me sweat profusely and the whole body
feels discomfort and misery, swallow back tears, and in a trance I nourish
myself. Longing for bed, but I‘m not in a state of rushing food down.
My last battle failed miserably, yet the war is still going
on. The rubber band of my physical endurance is now being tested. Last time I
endured such impact was on my dialysis treatment début, when everything about
dialysis was new and unknown to me which lasted 10 sessions. Now I have to
suffer all over again, past torment thrown down the drain. Hoping my body can
hold long enough to see the end of the tunnel.
In order to allow me dialysing longer, they give me a pan,
first time since September 2013, the longer I’m on the machine the more urine I
churn out. In the past few times, after 3 and half hours I pasted more that
650ml. In the normal course of that duration I just past around 200ml, which
means they make my 3% functioning kidney work 3 times faster than it should and
more. I wonder what this will do to my residue function. My bladder is not
happy either, on the machine, even after I pee I still have the feeling of
wanting to pee, and the sensor of my bladder is totally stuffed. At home, even
not on dialysis the urge to pee stays there. It’s a horrible feeling that one
wants to pee all the time.
In actual effect, they are removing fluid from me, the
difference between previously when fluid was removed last September, it was
done by machine directly through the reached UF goal, it is now done indirectly
by hooking me up with the machine through my own natural kidney which is an
unnecessary prolonged process giving me unnoticeable benefit but misery.
When fluid removed through UF goal, immediately off the
machine then, I’d past more than 500ml of urine, and at the time I only could
estimate, later I began to weight myself so that I could find the exact amount.
After each session I did not pee for a long time until the next day, when it
came back slowly, nor did I know thirst or hunger. One feeling I did have was constantly
having the sensation of wanting to pee.
I don’t dispute that other patients who have no urine function
left may also constantly feeling want to pee, but in my case my suffering could
be avoided.
After I started doing 3 hours the sensation gradually
reduced, it never went away completely. Because even with 3 hours I was already
holding my urine and I’d pee 300-500ml straight after each session. Now when
they allow me the pan, I found that after 1 hour 40 minutes I’d past 400ml+ of
urine already. Imagine the speed of which my kidney must be working, undoubtedly
it must be in a frenzy.
Thinking of those fascists who forced me to endure this make
me wanting a cricket bat, but my batting target is not a ball. The difference
between them and me is that I don’t act out my fantasy but they do. In their
imaginary mind they believe what they are doing to me is for my own good, they
have no eyes or ears to perceive reality.
If the assumption of their intention being good doesn’t exist,
it would colour their hearts as the hue of that of coal.
No comments:
Post a Comment